Characteristics of the Mourning Process

The mourning process usually takes a long time, often from months to years, and the feelings experienced usually change over the course of time. Every individual experiences grief differently and mourns in his unique way, though there are some typical characteristics that people who have experienced loss describe. Familiarity with these characteristics can help in knowing what to expect during the months and years following the loss. The feeling that we are not alone in this situation and that what we are experiencing is entirely normal can be helpful in the healing process. It should be noted that not everybody experiences all of these characteristics, and that often the order is variable.

• Shock, dulling of senses, and disbelief 
  During this period of time we may have difficulty accepting the bad news. These feelings may persist for several hours or days, and occasionally last even longer. Crying outbursts, panic, and anger are characteristic of this period of time. Many people describe feeling like a robot or “zombie”, as if they are not really there, but just on “automatic pilot”. Others stick steadfastly to their regular routine and act as if nothing happened. The purpose of the shock that is experienced is to protect us from being overwhelmed by the feeling of loss. Without the initial shock the pain would be impossible to bear.
• Longings for the deceased 
  This time is characterized by constant thinking about the departed and intense feelings of longing. These thoughts and feelings are often at the expense of taking an interest in those around us. During this period we may cry when thinking or speaking of the departed, and we may feel significant amounts of tension, confusion, and anger. The anger is often directed at the world, at ourselves, or even towards the departed. This may be a time of very confusing feelings. Often feelings of helplessness and abandonment are present.
  Additionally, guilt may be a dominant feeling at this time. Many people feel guilt over things they said or did, or about things they may have failed to do. Many people suffer during this time from physical symptoms such as sleep disturbances, fatigue, lack of concentration, and changes in their eating habits. Others report that they have heard or seen the deceased and many dream of the deceased. These reactions are all perfectly normal and represent the mechanisms used by both body and soul to cope with loss.
• Lack of organization and despair 
  Gradually we begin to accept the fact that the loss is final and that we will never be the same as we were. We may now realize that we have to build a new identity without the departed. This is especially difficult when the person who died was a central figure in our own lives, such as a spouse or child. This period of time may be characterized by feelings of emptiness, apathy, or depression.
• Reorganizing 
  We begin to build our lives anew after the loss, as we slowly return to daily functioning. The goal of reorganization is not to erase the pain or memories, but to create a situation where loss is not the central focus of our experience. Memories are integrated into the new life we have built up. In this period of time there are still difficult moments, times and events. For many people anniversaries of the death, holidays, and birthdays are times that are especially likely to evoke memories, painful feelings and longings.

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