Adolescents

During periods of bereavement adolescents experience an especially difficult time. They are simultaneously dealing with the loss and going through the throes of adolescence, an often confusing and exhausting stage of development. When adolescents mourn they mourn deeply but often they invest significant efforts in concealing their feelings from those around them, so that they will feel less vulnerable. Boys, especially, find it hard to show their true emotions. Often times adolescents take on the role of caretaker of the family, thereby repressing their personal grief and pain, or removing it from the center of their focus.
Adolescence is a time of treading a fine line between childhood and adulthood. Adolescents’ reactions to loss are characterized by elements from both of these worlds. Feelings of pain and mourning are similar to those felt by adults, although adolescents may express more anger and engage in extreme, even dangerous, behavior. Cognitively, they are capable of understanding the meaning and the finality of death, but often they are emotionally unable to cope with this event.
As adults our feeling towards grieving adolescents may be one helplessness or lack of control. In contrast to younger children, adolescents are more independent and adults often feel that they have little influence over them. This extends to how much time they spend outside the home, whom they associate with, and what they are exposed to through the electronic media. We often don’t know what kinds of support networks they have and we may feel as if they are rejecting our attempts to get close and connect to them. How can we cope with this situation? The first step is to understand the characteristics of grief which are unique to adolescents. Only then can we get down to the business of helping them out.

Characteristics of Adolescents Experiencing Grief

• Questioning and doubts
  Like adults, adolescents understand the finality of death. They are at an age where they question the values and ideas their parents have raised them with since childhood. Death occurs as an abnormal event that causes them to question such social norms as mourning rites, or to raise probing questions about justice, the meaning of life, and death itself. It is important to understand this need and be patient. Allow the adolescent to form his own opinions even if they seem inappropriate or they conflict with your views. Try and listen to their point of view and express your opinion respectfully. Opening up a dialogue, no matter what the topic is, is in and of itself extremely important.
• Withdrawal
  After experiencing a significant loss, you may begin to sense that your adolescent is drifting away from you. He may shut himself off in his room, barely talk with you, and may spend a great deal of time away from home. This kind of behavior is in fact perfectly normal, and typical of teens whose peers have replaced parents as their primary influence.The adolescent will usually prefer his friends over a conversation with you, his parents. He may even respond angrily to your attempts to draw him out, claiming that you don't understand him. It is really important to make it clear that you are there for him if he is interested, and wants to talk, but not to pressure him. Try and make sure he has a friend or someone with whom he can open up and share his feelings.
• Risk taking behavior
  Sometimes teens that are flooded with emotions will turn to violent behavior or irresponsible, even dangerous acts. Often teens will take up this kind of activity to prove to themselves that they are invincible and that death cannot catch them.
• Substance abuse
  When overwhelmed by painful emotions adolescents may turn to drugs and alcohol. Sometimes these emotions turn into anger directed towards the deceased, the family, or at the world at large. Drugs or alcohol may provide temporary respite from these difficult feelings but in the long run they interfere with the healing process and prevent the youth from really learning how to cope with his grief.
• Obsession with death
  Many adolescents become obsessed with death following a loss. This can be observed by the clothes and makeup they wear, or the music they listen to. This may be their way of coping with the frightening concept of death by incorporating it into their daily lives. In addition, adolescents may articulate either to you or to their friends thoughts of death, suicide or the purposelessness of their own lives. If the adolescent has talked of suicide, adults must take this seriously and should immediately seek professional help in order to prevent further tragedy.

Helping Adolescents During Times of Grief

• Be patient
  When offering help, do so gently, carefully, and slowly. Try not to pressure the youth into speaking with you about his feelings since this could cause him to retreat into himself and further distance himself. Make it clear that you are always there for him if and when he chooses to speak with you.
• Show respect
  Even if your adolescent’s views tend to be offensive to you or you feel they are offensive to the deceased, try to refrain from being judgmental. Always show respect for your adolescent’s views and try and talk with him even if you don't agree or see eye to eye.
• Find time to be together
  Young people, even the most independent amongst them cannot cope without your help. It is important to put aside time for a really good talk. It may be difficult for the youngster to initiate a conversation with you, and they may feel that you can’t possibly understand them. Don’t wait for them to turn to you. Make time to sit with them or take them out for a cup of coffee and a chat. Begin, by talking about your own feelings and sharing your thoughts. This will show them that you value their input and opinion and that you are not afraid of exposing yourselves to them. Such an overture may be rewarded by a reciprocal response.
• Recommend websites, forums, and support groups on the topic
  One of the hardest facets of grief for an adolescent is the sense of loneliness and the feeling that nobody understands what they are going through. Participation in a support group or online forum affords adolescents the opportunity to share their feelings with others like themselves who have had similar experiences and to offer each other support. One highly recommended site which offers young people a chance to chat and join special forums is the home page of Sahar.
• Turn to professional help if necessary
  It is important to seek professional help in the following circumstances:
  * You feel the adolescent is not able to deal with the emotional burden grief has placed upon him.
  * The adolescent has no social support network outside the home and he refuses to open up to anyone.
  * The loss is causing serious difficulties in areas of daily functioning, such as decline in schoolwork, distancing from friends and sinking into lethargy.
  * You suspect the adolescent is using drugs or alcohol.
  * The youth expresses despondent thoughts or hints of suicide. Any such comment is a call for help and should immediately be taken seriously.

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