Early Childhood

Young children and bereavement
Small children between ages 0-6 react to bereavement very differently from adults. At a few months of age babies can already sense that something is amiss and that their parent is under stress and upset. In many instances the baby reacts with his own distress signals such as increased crying, sleep disturbances, or lack of appetite. Experts say that by age three months children are able to feel emotions such as grief and loss.
Death has a profound effect on a child's sense of security, especially in the case of a close relative, such as a parent. In such cases children may be overcome with fear of suddenly losing their other parent or even of dying themselves. At this age children are usually focused on themselves and with how the death affects them. Mourning is not only for the person who is gone, but for the sudden changes in the child's own environment, routine and sense of security.
In contrast to adults, who mourn for a continuous period after the experience of loss, and are often able to reach some level of resolution, the mourning process in children is cyclical. At each new stage of development the child may go through the experience of loss and bereavement in a new and different manner. Death of a loved one when the child was two will take on a new and no less difficult meaning again at age six, when he realizes that the loss is final. At significant points of transition the loss may be acutely felt, and reopen the grieving process. Therefore we must be open to the possibility that the loss of a significant family member, particularly a parent, remains quite painful as time goes by. It is important to be aware of this and to anticipate a child's renewed interest in death in general, and the loss of the loved one, at various times over the course of the child's growing up years.

How does a young child's mourning differ from an adult's?

• Language
  Verbal skills are still not fully developed in young children so that they may have a hard time describing their grief in words well enough to express their feelings and ask for help. This may be a very frustrating feeling for both child and adult. Adults may try and offer alternative outlets to talking, such as drawing, games, or physical activity.
• Comprehension
  Children, especially very young ones, have difficulty comprehending the finality of death. They generally understand it as something temporary or reversible until around six years of age. In addition, children often make erroneous connections between cause and effect on the basis of contiguity in time or place. For example, if the person who died was hospitalized first, the young child may think that the ride to the hospital was the cause of death. The child may generalize from this and be afraid to go to the doctor or the hospital.
• Support 
  We adults know how and where to seek help when we need it. Small children are not able to fend for themselves and must rely on whatever support they are given. Adults in the young child's environment may be so caught up in their own grief that they have few resources left for their children. Therefore it is important for other adults, family members or school staff, to be in tune with the child's needs, to listen to him, and to spend a lot of time talking and playing.
• Continuity 
  Unlike adults, children are unable to maintain long periods of time crying and mourning and usually alternate between sadness and routine in the course of just a few minutes. Sometimes this may seem as if the child is suppressing his grief, or does not understand it, but this is not necessarily so. It is simply the young child's way of coping which is appropriate to his emotional and developmental capacity. 

Children ages 0 - 3
At this age children find it hard to understand the meaning of death. They see it as separation or abandonment, but are unable to conceive of its finality, or the fact that the person who died will never come back. This is why they may not seem as disturbed as older children, although they can still sense that others around them are very upset. The most influential factor for the child at this stage is how the parent or caregiver reacts. If a sense of routine and safety is maintained this can greatly help the child to cope. If this basic sense of security is missing, the young child may experience problems such as sleep disturbances, separation anxiety from adults, irritability, and regressive behavior such as bedwetting, thumb sucking, and loss of appetite.

Children ages 3 - 6
At the beginning of this stage children still do not have the capacity to understand that death is final; they see it as temporary and reversible. Comprehension only begins to set in at the end of this period. Children this age begin to try to figure out the reason for death. The conclusions they reach are not always the correct ones since children this age tend to think in magical terms and are convinced that their thoughts can influence the outcome and change events. This may cause guilt feelings in the child since they may be quite certain that their thoughts or anger towards the deceased are what brought about the death. Sometimes children may even think that their own good behavior can bring the deceased person back. It is important for sensitive adults in the child's environment to be aware of this, and to allow discussion of these feelings. At this age there may also be regression to earlier behaviors such as thumb sucking and bedwetting. In some cases children may report having seen or heard the deceased.
Children at this age tend to take literally such explanations as "Grandpa went to sleep forever" and wonder if when they go to sleep they might die as well. It is important to be aware that sayings like "He went to sleep." or "God took him away to be with Him." can sound more frightening than the truth. The child may be afraid to go to sleep for fear that God will grab him away. It is important to explain the truth calmly in an age appropriate manner, and to be ready to repeat the explanation again and again. Allowing the child to ask questions, not only in the immediate aftermath of loss, but over the long term, is most important. Often, in our society, death is a taboo topic, and the child may sense that this is not something one should talk about. Assuring your child that you are willing to talk about death, and answer any questions, can be extremely reassuring during this uncertain time.

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