Coping with Loss

Loss and its associated grief upset our entire world. When we lose a loved one we also lose many shared memories. Often there is a feeling that some part of ourselves has been torn from us, never to return. Most people carry their loss with them throughout their lives, although there is healing with time. Usually people who have experienced loss slowly resume their lives and other activities, and grief ceases to be the focal point of their experience. Sometimes this can even be an opportunity for growth and for reevaluation of our relationships with others.

The suggestions on this page are designed to help you get through the initial time period following mourning. These suggestions were compiled by experts in the field as well as from bereaved people who related what helped them most.

• Find a good listener
  After we’ve lost someone close to us we often feel alone in the world and it seems as if no one can possibly understand the intensity of our suffering. In addition to the actual loss there is the ever-present feeling of being all alone. Often, it is helpful to share our feelings and memories with a person with whom we are close. This can help to alleviate feelings of loneliness. Talking about the loss, and about our loved one allows us to organize our thoughts and relieve some of the pain. In addition, simply talking with someone can remind us that we are not alone and that someone else cares about us. Sharing your feelings with another person is the single most important thing you can do for yourselves during this period of time. If you don’t feel that you have anyone to speak with, consider turning to a support group for help or to professional counseling.
• Help others to help you
  It is important that you tell those close to you how they can best help you. Despite their good intentions, many times people just do not know what is helpful to you. You can draw up a list of chores or errands you need to have done in the event that family and friends offer to help. Ask a person with whom you are close to accompany you on difficult errands related to your loss or to events that you may have previously gone to with your loved one. These moments can be especially difficult and it is best to plan ahead for them. Do not wait for someone to offer help, rather turn directly to them and ask them. Not only will you be grateful for their help, they will be happy knowing that they have helped you.
• Recognize your feelings and learn what to expect
  Knowledge is power, especially during tough times. Therefore, the more you know about the bereavement process the better you will be able to cope. Reading books on the subject, participation in support groups and surfing the internet are good ways to access this information . This information can help you become more familiar with your feelings, know where they are coming from, and provide suggestions on how best to handle them. 
• Maintain a healthy lifestyle
  Mourning is a physically exhausting process. In the first weeks and months many people experience a loss of appetite and may suffer from sleeplessness. Nevertheless it is important to try and eat well and get enough rest. Some people find that relaxation exercises help them during this time. It is also important to maintain your daily routine. This routine can provide a sense of stability and comfort during this difficult period of time.
• Guilt feelings are common
  Following the death of a loved one, many people feel guilt for things they either did or did not do. This sense of guilt can be especially strong in the aftermath of the death of a child, although the person had no part in causing the death. In other cases we may feel guilty because we do not feel sad enough or we do not mourn for a long enough period of time. The fact that these guilt feelings are usually irrational does not eliminate them. However, it is important to understand that guilt feelings are one feature of the normal mourning process. 
• Avoid making big decisions
  During periods of extreme loss our sense of judgement is impaired and it is best to postpone making any major decisions, such as moving or taking a new job, for several weeks or months. 
• Ritual and religious practice
  The value of ritual and religious practice and belief cannot be underestimated during this period of time. Many people find themselves turning toward tradition to find comfort. Often pastors or rabbis may be good sources for support as well. 
• Be patient with yourself
  The mourning process can take several years and may progress slowly and gradually. So, try and be patient with yourself and avoid self-criticism. Allow yourself to cry sometimes; crying is the soul’s healthy way of releasing pain wordlessly. At the same time try and enjoy pleasant times without feeling guilty about it. 
• Get help from an outside source
  Support groups for people who have experienced a similar loss, where you can share your feelings with others, can be helpful. If you are active in, or accustomed to attending an organization or synagogue continue to do so. Feeling a sense of belonging is a wonderful source of comfort and often helps in adapting to the loss. 
• If you feel the need, seek professional help
  Most people are able to cope with their loss and grief without turning to professional help. However, there are instances where people can benefit from guidance, advice and help. It is important to turn to professional help particularly when: 
  * There is no one around with whom you feel you can talk about your feelings
  * Your anguish is so great that you cannot deal with it alone
  * You are unable to perform basic daily functions normally, even weeks after the event
  * You are having suicidal thoughts and are liable to hurt yourself
  * You have begun to use drugs or alcohol

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